We woke up Friday morning to snow. A lot of it. She was coughing a lot! Her brothers had been sick several days before her. First, my middle boo and then the big one. Things were ok. Sad, but ok. That is, until she started gasping for air and choking up yucky mucus. Our doctors office was closed because of the snow. Thankfully, there is an Urgent Care facility within walking distance to our house. I bundled her up and drove her over. Once we were seen, the nurse had a listen and said that she would like to get an x-ray to ensure there was no fluid present in her lungs. Ummmm, ok… sure. Fine. Problem is… this now means a hospital visit. UGHHH!!! *insert fear flood here*
I didn't think I was afraid. After all, I had been meditating on healing scriptures and had been finding out all that belongs to us as children of God. But the fear feeling flooded me still. I made a couple of phone calls to very specific people. People whom I knew would help me get myself in check and help prepare me for whatever battle that lay ahead. Sure, for now it was just a simple little cold. But, that is not what floods your mind. What flooded my mind was memories of the past. What flooded my mind were very vivid pictures and smells of a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit stay that lasted far too long and was far beyond what this mommy imagined she could handle.
I didn't think I was afraid but the fear FEELING flooded me and I knew I needed to get it under control. My feelings, that is. Once I had gotten the majority of my emotions in check, I decided which hospital to visit, packed the lady baby up to meet her daddy and headed over. Once we arrived at the hospital I knew for sure that we would get the x-ray back with a negative result and be headed home to enjoy the rest of the snow day. Unfortunately, it didn't go quite that way. The x-ray tech walked back into the waiting room with little bits of fear in her eyes and let us know that it didn't look the greatest. She said her lungs were really "junky" and that if pneumonia wasn't present, it would surely be present sometime soon?!?! We made a call back to the urgent care nurse where she advised us to go ahead and have her admitted to the ER. Once admitted, they let us know that she had what was called RSV (basically a really bad cold in babies that only got worse because of their inability to blow their noses or cough up the tremendous amounts of yucky phlegm that the virus produced). We were on the verge of getting care instructions and a few medications to take home when her oxygen levels went down lower than they would've liked them to be. And then we were told we had to spend the night!!! Instead of getting better the news kept getting worse. It was starting to be a constant struggle to get my fear and faith levels under control. Everything in my head wanted to be fearful and expect the worst, but everything in my heart knew that this is just a test of faith. I kept hearing God tell me to rest and just sit back and let him usher me through this process.
At this point it may seem that I was just completely overreacting to what was just a really bad cold. But for me, it was something more than that. There was fear attached to this little hospital visit of ours. Seeing my oldest baby, as a little boy, hooked up to all the machines, intubated, under anesthesia, on at least 5 to 10 different medications for over a week. His oxygen levels were below 55. His lung had collapsed. He was weak, looked lifeless, and it all seemed like he came out of nowhere. I just remember the doctor telling us that our baby was very, very, very sick. This time around things were different. I knew how to use my faith to see me through a difficult time now. She was admitted, hooked up to an IV, and put on an oxygen monitor. I played with her, prayed with her, and confessed her healing throughout the night The next day came and she was able to breathe comfortably with her oxygen level staying where it should be. She was making progress but they insisted that she continue to stay and be monitored
As the following night neared and I was ready to be discharge from the hospital it seems as if they wanted her to stay. She had been given an antibiotic for the pneumonia and was being kept comfortable with the RSV but they still had concerns with her ability to eat and produce wet diapers. Problem was the hospital's not the most healing of an environment. There are sick babies all around you. Crying all times of the night, and doctors and nurses entering your room every 30 seconds to check vital signs makes it very difficult to rest. Very difficult for my lady baby to nurse in peace, she's a nosey one,that girl! So instead of getting anxious I decided to pray. "Lord, open the doors that no man can close and close the doors that no man can open." I would like to take my baby home! At home, I knew I could create an environment of health and healing! I could clean up a nice little cozy space for she and I to just rest and recover. I could put on healing scriptures, play soft music and get her back into her regular environment (ready-to-eat and play and thrive).
We ended up being discharged that night. I bought the lady baby home and that very night she rested well, she ate well, and things were already taking a giant turn for the better. My biggest take away from the whole experience was this... that walking by faith didn't mean that I wouldn't experience opposing feelings. I still felt nervous… anxious… scared. I still felt uneasy and double minded. And, yet, what I did do was recognize them as mere feelings. But my actions were based on my faith!!! I took her healing. I took my peace. And, I took my strength, by faith! I learned that taking something by faith didn't mean that your feelings would always be in line. I understand, now, what it means to do something afraid. I'm thankful for the lessons that God is teaching me and I'm ready, more than ever, to learn more and more.
Yep, so that was my first big test of the year. I'm so glad that my God always causes me to Triumph!!!
From Syreena, With Love