it's 11:01pm and i just finished up my lesson planning for the week. the soft amber light and sweet scent of a cranberry plum jam candle is filling the air as i open my computer screen to the pages of this blog, for the second time this week. i have a page full of wonderful topics and blog ideas that i have been preparing for the last several weeks. and, yet, i sit in front of this screen of mine and can't seem to bring myself to write about any of the topics that i've listed thus far. you see... let me explain.
this seems like the billionth of times that i have tried to get this blog going. i have ideas, i have plans for this space of mine... but i can never seem to move it along in the way that i want it to go. its been six years now since being impressed upon to start writing. I've started and stopped and started and then stopped again. i couldn't quite figure it all out! what exactly should i write about? what is it that i am supposed to be sharing? how am i supposed to be sharing it?
i want to be inspiring, uplifting, encouraging. i don't REALLLLYY want to look like i have it all together, but then again... i kinda do. i want to write after I've figured things all out Lord. i want to share when i can come from a place of strength and boldness. and yet, i am having a hard time getting to that place. i want my words to be properly put together and all i can seem to put together are extremely RAW words that, if written on actual paper, would be drowned in the tears that are currently pouring from my eyes.
i tried once before...to write openly and honestly. the way i felt i was being lead to. in the voice i felt i was to share through. i felt too exposed. it scared me. i stopped.
the past six years I've had crazy ups and downs. i can't imagine what it would have looked like to have a lot of those raw thoughts and experiences documented here for the "world" to have access to. but i do know that i've experienced the most growth in my walk with the Lord when i've chosen to share with others. to obey.
"if you be both willing and obedient, you will eat the good of the land." isaiah 1:19
yesterday i wrote a little. it was safe. a tiny bit of sharing, just a few bits and pieces of our homeschool year thus far. i told myself that i would start with acts of obedience from that day forward... to share daily. well at least everyday that i feel lead to. i have no idea what that looks like?? what the point of it all really is??? am i completely in left field??? am i just making this up on my own???? if so, then what??? then i'll be open to his correction! this is where the trust comes in...
"trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the only one who will keep you on track. don't assume that you know it all. run to God! run from evil! your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. but don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. its the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. " proverbs 3:5-12 MSG
it feels weird writing this way. it feels so incomplete. its feels like I'm missing pieces, like I'm leaving things out and so this post won't make much sense. but I'm believing that it will all make sense in the end.
from syreena, with love