i tried starting this post quite a few times. it all started something like... "its fall and i finally got a few family pictures, dot dot dot." i kept trying to write but it just didn't seem right! the reality is, i struggled with crazy emotions while editing and loading these pictures. pictures taken a couple of hours before brian was to report to work, wearing outfits that i had to piece together without much time or thought, and with the help of a father-in-law that drove about 45 mins to help me out so that i could get all five of us in at least one shot. let me be honest, i was salty!!
but, that morning, by the grace of GOD, we got up, got dressed, i PUT ON a smile, a sweet voice, CHOSE a grateful attitude and refused to let the opportunity pass me by. and thats honest! too often, the enemy steals things from ME with MY own permission. permission that I have given by allowing MYSELF to be in MY feelings and choosing to meditate on all of the challenges of MY days. its sad, but such an easy trap to fall into.
what you may not know, from looking at these pictures, is that this was about two weeks after we missed the opportunity to have "real" professional pictures taken of our little family. taken by someone i have loved and admired as a friend and a photographer for YEARS. when the chance for that friend to take our family pictures came around, i was ELATED... like, ridiculously ELATED. and, when i had to pass the opportunity by, it was painful (like, this is about so much more than pictures, painful).
what you may not know, from looking at these pictures, is that these last two years have been the HARDEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES. the main culprit of many of our issues has been based around provision. based around trusting HIM to PROVIDE.
so many opportunities have come along, many of which we have had to pass on by. its a frustrating state, when you allow it to be. but this morning, i saw an opportunity. he was to go into work a few hours later than the norm, his father was able and willing to help, i AMMM a photographer so i had everything i needed to make this work. and, 386 clicks later, i had about 21 pictures that make me so very happy inside.
later that same friend that was supposed to take our pictures sent me this reminder... "what we perceive as a lack of provision on God's part is often a lack of prioritization on our part." - Steven Furtick
i am learning how to shift my focus. learning how to focus on things the way GOD sees them. learning how to "show up" in spite of my frustrations and disappointments. learning that when i show up. he shows out! its like HE takes MY messy effort and makes it SWEET.
...learning that its so far from being about HOW he provides, but WHAT he provides. and, because, like a good father, HE knows what i need best!
this process of learning GODS way is interesting. sometimes the pieces start coming together and even then you still have moments where you think to yourself, "did i just make all of this up?" and its in the little pieces that HE shows you that its real.
last night just before putting the kids to bed brian shared THIS FACEBOOK VIDEO CLIP with me and i knew that what was being revealed to me was real...
with all of my heart, i love them! with all of my heart, i am committed to showing up!!! because it makes me better. showing up and allowing HIM to show out makes me a better me. it makes me the me that HE meant for me to be.
i really hope that this post made some sort of sense. and, i apologize for terrible run-on sentences, incorrect punctuation and the inability to find a time to write when i don't have 3 a year old climbing on my head and little boys constantly asking me to separate legos pieces while i type. this is just me.... showing up and hoping that HE shows out yet again.
oh and here is the vlog from that day if you care to watch... love you guys
from syreena, with love